Well, its been a while and I'm feeling a bit better than I was. Still not brilliant but better.

I have had my cards being sold in a 'proper shop' - which is great and means I get to have an excuse to sit and craft because now its actually making me a bit of money.

Been to the bank and sorted some things out which made me feel a whole lot better, and have made some financial decisions with hubby so things are not quite so bleak. I do still need to get a job that is at least 3 or 4 full days a week tho and that is proving difficult and does nothing for your self esteem I can tell you.

House is still an issue and I think I will be creating a blog just for that at some point to get some things off my chest. And to put publicly how Charter house, as an eminent  public school with a supposed 'Christian ethos' treat the staff they consider 'beneath' them.

My week had a lovely bright spot in it in the shape of a certain Mr Lakeman (surprise surprise!). He played a special gig on HMS Warrior with Benji Kirkpatrick and Cormac Byrne. It was a beautiful night, a beautiful location and amazing music. They played some of the older tracks such as Lady of the Sea, Blood Red Sky, Colliers and the seemingly ubiquitous Kitty Jay, plus some of his new tracks, See Them Dance (dedicated to the Mire, as always, well, except at Wychwood when we got Watchman and screamed so loud everyone laughed!), and the BRAND new Tiny World. Seth announced it as 'never been played before' and so seemed rather bemused when certain members of the audience (!) sang along..................he smiled so all was ok, he must wonder where we get it all from tho sometimes I'm sure. xx  First time ever that I've seen, he seemed rather resigned to playing Kitty Jay and it certainly wasn't as spectacular or varied as I've seen it before. I do wonder if he's fed up playing it. Seth talks a lot about 'moving on' in songwriting and 'sonically' that I get the feeling that KJ might hold him back somewhat. Having seen it live on far too many occasions to admit too, I have to say it wouldn't bother me at all if it was dropped from the set now and again.

I managed to take one of the best if not THE best pic I ever have of Seth and of which I am extremely proud. Also got some fab shots of Warrior and Spinnaker Tower in the evening twilight.

 

Eurgh! Well, a warning that this is miserable grumpy post, so if you don't want to be brought down, don't read any further.
I have found that writing my thoughts down when I am very very low actually does help. I do feel like complete crap at the moment. I don't feel that I'm any good at anything - can't get a decent job, no good as a TA, no good as a mum, no good as a housewife, no good as a wife, no good as a music fan, no good as a friend, not good enough to be allowed to stay in my home, not good enough at photography, not good enough a musician, not good enough at art, no good with money, a complete and utter waste of space.
All the self confidence that I spent 18 months trying to build up - gone, because all the self loathing I had, has, far as I am concerned, been confirmed. Everything that I had very tentatively begun to believe about myself, destroyed. All the hard work and self belief that I had tried so hard to hold on to has gone. I can't even do the one thing that has made me so so happy because it costs too much money and we have none. And I'm at the bottom of all this, its all my fault - I shouldn't have resigned from my job. I shouldn't have allowed them to make me feel so low that I actually gave up the job I loved.  I feel rubbish, I'm not special enough to the people I want to be special to, they don't care, of course they don't. Why should they, I'm nobody. I don't even have a future, in work, at home, anywhere. I so desperately want to be happy but its  so elusive and sometimes I blame myself and other times I wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this life. I am fed up with people saying of it'll get better becasue for 25 years it hasn't, despite trying everything. I'm fed up with people telling me to be positive, its very very hard when all the major things that happen in your life are negative and you feel put down all the time. Putting the mask on is becoming harder and harder, in fact facing the world at all is becoming harder and harder. Its all out of my hands and thats the scary thing, I have no control, my heads a mess but I pretend its all ok, it isn't.

Sunday began waaayy too early tho the lovely Lou didn't wake me at 5.30am as we'd arranged! We eventually got up about 7.30ish and queued for a shower. Quite impressed with the festival showers tho there were only 10!!  Loads more needed!!

Got brekkie then staked out our place in front of the main stage in preparation for Seth!! This of course was around noon and Seth was on at 8pm but hey! thats what we do!! xx

Started off with the growing on me 6 Day Riot - up tempo and boppy!

Followed by Martha Tilston who I personally found rather dull I'm afraid.









Up next Irish band Kila.

 An absolute revelation, 8 (I think!) incredibly talented lively musicians playing traditional instruments with gusto! Fab fab music! They did bring the rain tho, and thunder, and lightning and hail!!  We got absolutely soaked. poor Lou was literally ringing her clothes out, but we weren't not abandoning our prime Seth spots.




Whilst drying out, Ade Edmondson and the Bad Shepherds played. Having seen them before, I got a bit bored. Very clever but a one gig joke really for me. However I was ramping up the Sethcitement by now!

The (Beautiful) South were an absolute revelation to me! Soooo good live, would def see them again and will never quite get over 'anorexic chicks' being sung directly to us, or the triangle being played with a teaspoon, as teaspoons have a special meaning to Kath and I!! xx We were dancing and singing like mad and being very daft all without the influence of alcohol - we did nt touch a drop but natural exuberance kind of took over!


And so, the moment had arrived, well sort of arrived. We had 40 minutes of watching the marvellous Team Lakeman preparing first of all - all part of the entertainment - you know who you are you two!! 

Seth time!!!  Have no words, fantastic, managed amazing photos, LOVED the Mire ded and can't quite believe so few of us made so much noise!! Loved Seths reaction, well, love Seth really. Apparently he was convinced we were drunk and we soooo weren't!  And here is a little pic of the most gorgeous man on the planet!!

Ok, well, a rather personally emotional time at Wychwood. Something happened which I didn't understand and actually still don't. Goes to show that you never really know people I suppose, I've learnt things about two people this week - one of whom I've known for 30 years and one whom I've only known for about 18months - that confused me completely and I was made to suffer on both counts for things that were never my fault. The 30 year relationship is on the way to repair, the other, I don't know if I can do it anymore, watching every move I make and word I say for fear of  unintended offence. I've not had a friendship like this since I was at school, its childish and I don't think I can maintain a true friendship under those conditions - we shall see.

Anyway, on to happier things - some fantastic music was experienced, great bands, and friends who were amazingly supportive.

On Saturday, we saw the amazing Outcast Band! Fantastic - here's a little pic.