Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Eurgh! Well, a warning that this is miserable grumpy post, so if you don't want to be brought down, don't read any further.
I have found that writing my thoughts down when I am very very low actually does help. I do feel like complete crap at the moment. I don't feel that I'm any good at anything - can't get a decent job, no good as a TA, no good as a mum, no good as a housewife, no good as a wife, no good as a music fan, no good as a friend, not good enough to be allowed to stay in my home, not good enough at photography, not good enough a musician, not good enough at art, no good with money, a complete and utter waste of space.
All the self confidence that I spent 18 months trying to build up - gone, because all the self loathing I had, has, far as I am concerned, been confirmed. Everything that I had very tentatively begun to believe about myself, destroyed. All the hard work and self belief that I had tried so hard to hold on to has gone. I can't even do the one thing that has made me so so happy because it costs too much money and we have none. And I'm at the bottom of all this, its all my fault - I shouldn't have resigned from my job. I shouldn't have allowed them to make me feel so low that I actually gave up the job I loved.  I feel rubbish, I'm not special enough to the people I want to be special to, they don't care, of course they don't. Why should they, I'm nobody. I don't even have a future, in work, at home, anywhere. I so desperately want to be happy but its  so elusive and sometimes I blame myself and other times I wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this life. I am fed up with people saying of it'll get better becasue for 25 years it hasn't, despite trying everything. I'm fed up with people telling me to be positive, its very very hard when all the major things that happen in your life are negative and you feel put down all the time. Putting the mask on is becoming harder and harder, in fact facing the world at all is becoming harder and harder. Its all out of my hands and thats the scary thing, I have no control, my heads a mess but I pretend its all ok, it isn't.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am so sad that you are feeling so low Helen. I won't be so trite as to say I understand how you feel I don't, but I hate it that you are feeling so bad. The offer to help is always there because no matter what you think at the moment people do care.