I just typed something on here which I have erased. Probably for the best.

Latest update - not moving yet. Probably look for a smaller house early next summer when Hazel has finished her exams.

To show off, here's Seth from my birthday weekend!

What a pair - he was knackered and I was ill, but he still hugged me bless! xx

Well, as it looks as though everything is going ahead, here is a pic of the house we are soon to be moving into.

Very very scary decisions have been made. We have started looking for houses to rent, despite not having heard anything from Charthouse about financial support. We just cannot live with this hanging over us anymore, and for our sake, and Hazels', we need to find a new home and settle properly. We have a house to view tomorrow (4-8-10) which, with some negotiation, (and input from the landlord!) we can refurbish as we wish, has a fab garden, is in the same road we are in now, is long term AND will take our gorgeous catses! It is so perfect that every time I think about it I get butterflies that it will all go wrong. The house is in a bit of a state, but for the size of it, is on the rental market for a very reasonable rent. It has been used as a house share for ages and just looks like it needs a bit of love and attention and will make a lovely family home. Soooo scary.
Am still writing to Charterhouse to keep them informed of what is happening, a courtesy they have not extended to us, but I need to feel I have done the right thing even if they have not. Will keep this updated, and if all goes well, I'll post pics but not before we have the OK.

'Citin' innit!! xx

Oh dear.

I've just been back and read over some recent posts from other members. How could I have missed the pretention for soo long!!??  I have made some of the very best friends EVER (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!) because of that place but I do feel it is time to withdraw and retreat now. I don't feel I can contribute anything without being jumped on (sadly not by Seth!) x Maybe its my problem, maybe I've grown out of it over the last year. I'll miss the deds, but I know Seth appreciates our support anyway. Have had so many special times that can't be mentioned, and that's good enough for me.  So if anyone is bothered I shall be here and on FB, and I shall lurk there but that's all.

xx

There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
to criticize me (and anyone else who doesn't share your view!) The bold bits are mine. x

Hmmm, these lyrics seem to sum up someone who I apparently upset on a certain forum recently. I know that I'm not the only one who is peed off by his posts but he decided to ignore the others and pick on me. He is a boastful self centred egotist with an over inflated sense of his own importance - ahh, that feels better.  Oh, and I'm pretty sure it is sour grapes as he is a failed recording artist.
 
"Could you point out where else you think I have come across so negatively?" he asked. I did, he wouldn't accept it, even though I did say it was personal to me.
 
"I reckon I've generated countless sales of his records and gigs over the years (pre-Mercury) but as I have said I feel priviledged to have been exposed to such great music, I have such high expectations."
I pointed out how much I have also supported Seth - he ignored that! (Oh, and he can't spell 'privileged').
 
"Again I go back to the point that I am passionate about this music and pulling it apart and getting under its skin is what I enjoy - I started sound engineering before I was 10 and have spent many hours socialising with musicians. I am so enthusiastic about Seth and his band plus this genre of music that it hurts!" Does he think I am not passionate? I have said I am not interested in pulling the music apart but he should check out the threads that do. Again, the boasting - its all 'me, me, me' or 'I, I, I ' - whoopee doo! Good for you. Sound engineering at 10 - what do you want? A medal?
 
He continued to lambast in his self important bragging "I am the best person" tone. Said he never said anything negative about Seth!!??  By criticising the music - in a "I wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that" kind of a way, surely that is being negative, or have I got the wrong end of the stick (as he accused me of on a different occasion!)
 Debating whether to post the whole sorry saga on here really - could do but don't think any one is THAT interested. He says he recieved 'PMs of encouragment', well, guess what, so did I, but did not feel the need to brag about it! This is the type of person I do not need in my life, he can carry on in is own self centred little bubble, but he has made me think twice about posting on forum much. I'm obviously constantly misunderstood and possibly not even the type of person the forum really wants. They blatantly do not wish to have outspoken, straight talking members who says it as it is.
 
Anyway, just needed to get that out of my head and have a little rant. I refuse to continue the fruitless pm convo, he and I are obviously never going to get on, and I truly hope I never meet him at a gig.
 
Anyway - to cheer me up, here is my Seth pic for the day!
 
 

Right, I think I'll give up trying to make this anything about my art and craft - maybe I'll do a different blog for that, tho I can't promise that Seth won't creep in there as well! xx

Some brilliant news, I have a proper job!!!   Yay!!  Doing what I love the most, working with teenagers in the classroom at our local college. I cannot believe I actually got the job. Start 31 August and am really quite excited. Sod Broadwater, just can't wait for Hazel to do her GCSEs and leave now.

Other exciting things.....SETH! At Chagstock on his home turf, and they were effing BRILLIANT! xx

Few pics - as ever!

I shall be back in a bit with a Guilfest report and a bit more of our Chagstock adventure!

Well, things have moved on a bit for me emotionally - I am feeling slightly more positive but I have no idea why as nothing has actually changed. Maybe its the sunshine! Maybe its because I have had some good experiences with people, maybe its just because............

Don't know, but it can only be a good thing.

Was lucky enough to be able to go the Seth Lakemans 'Album Launch without the Album' last week, in a very hot, smelly and rather sweaty Jazz Cafe in Camden. It was a good'un with 2 special guests DBG, who I've met before and a guest vocalist called Olivia Chaney. I have to say that I didn't like the addition of female vocals on the song 'Changes', they are present on the album version as well and just sound a bit harsh and out of place, but it was interesting to see it performed like that live. Tho I do hope the boys go back to performing it live without them, it is just such a beautifully simple song, with the pizzicato violin and Simons amazing mellow 'ticking' drumbeat.

'Special' people got VIP treatment upstairs away from the crowd of  the hot, sweaty  unwashed! That is never going to be me I'm afraid, down and dirty,  dancing and singing along in front of the band is where I want to be, and should I ever be 'special' that is still where'll you'll find me!

Few pics here -

Hmmmmm,

Still wondering when I'm going to stop feeling shit. I'm really trying to see the positive in things but when others control external decisions, it is not easy truly. If I could simply move to another house, I would, make a fresh start, hubby could look for a new job away from The School, I could get a new job and everything would be dandy! Unfortunately, it is not that easy, because lack of money makes it impossible to move forward or do anything. So I have to watch friends, or people that I know, do all the things I want to be able to do, have the freedom I want to have, enjoy themselves in the way I would like to be able to but I can't, and if it was my fault maybe it would be different, but it isn't and I really feel that no one actually seems to care.

They say the 'right' things and then proceed to have the time of their lives - not that they shouldn't, of course they should, good luck to them, and I hope they never have to go through times like I'm having to live through. Trouble is, no matter what they say, they can't really understand and so they get fed up with a whinging cow like me - fair enough, I probably would as well.

So how do I continue to look on the bright side when there doesn't appear to be a bright side and hasn't been for about 20 years? Answers on a postcard would be gratefully recieved. xx

Well, its been a while and I'm feeling a bit better than I was. Still not brilliant but better.

I have had my cards being sold in a 'proper shop' - which is great and means I get to have an excuse to sit and craft because now its actually making me a bit of money.

Been to the bank and sorted some things out which made me feel a whole lot better, and have made some financial decisions with hubby so things are not quite so bleak. I do still need to get a job that is at least 3 or 4 full days a week tho and that is proving difficult and does nothing for your self esteem I can tell you.

House is still an issue and I think I will be creating a blog just for that at some point to get some things off my chest. And to put publicly how Charter house, as an eminent  public school with a supposed 'Christian ethos' treat the staff they consider 'beneath' them.

My week had a lovely bright spot in it in the shape of a certain Mr Lakeman (surprise surprise!). He played a special gig on HMS Warrior with Benji Kirkpatrick and Cormac Byrne. It was a beautiful night, a beautiful location and amazing music. They played some of the older tracks such as Lady of the Sea, Blood Red Sky, Colliers and the seemingly ubiquitous Kitty Jay, plus some of his new tracks, See Them Dance (dedicated to the Mire, as always, well, except at Wychwood when we got Watchman and screamed so loud everyone laughed!), and the BRAND new Tiny World. Seth announced it as 'never been played before' and so seemed rather bemused when certain members of the audience (!) sang along..................he smiled so all was ok, he must wonder where we get it all from tho sometimes I'm sure. xx  First time ever that I've seen, he seemed rather resigned to playing Kitty Jay and it certainly wasn't as spectacular or varied as I've seen it before. I do wonder if he's fed up playing it. Seth talks a lot about 'moving on' in songwriting and 'sonically' that I get the feeling that KJ might hold him back somewhat. Having seen it live on far too many occasions to admit too, I have to say it wouldn't bother me at all if it was dropped from the set now and again.

I managed to take one of the best if not THE best pic I ever have of Seth and of which I am extremely proud. Also got some fab shots of Warrior and Spinnaker Tower in the evening twilight.

 

Eurgh! Well, a warning that this is miserable grumpy post, so if you don't want to be brought down, don't read any further.
I have found that writing my thoughts down when I am very very low actually does help. I do feel like complete crap at the moment. I don't feel that I'm any good at anything - can't get a decent job, no good as a TA, no good as a mum, no good as a housewife, no good as a wife, no good as a music fan, no good as a friend, not good enough to be allowed to stay in my home, not good enough at photography, not good enough a musician, not good enough at art, no good with money, a complete and utter waste of space.
All the self confidence that I spent 18 months trying to build up - gone, because all the self loathing I had, has, far as I am concerned, been confirmed. Everything that I had very tentatively begun to believe about myself, destroyed. All the hard work and self belief that I had tried so hard to hold on to has gone. I can't even do the one thing that has made me so so happy because it costs too much money and we have none. And I'm at the bottom of all this, its all my fault - I shouldn't have resigned from my job. I shouldn't have allowed them to make me feel so low that I actually gave up the job I loved.  I feel rubbish, I'm not special enough to the people I want to be special to, they don't care, of course they don't. Why should they, I'm nobody. I don't even have a future, in work, at home, anywhere. I so desperately want to be happy but its  so elusive and sometimes I blame myself and other times I wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this life. I am fed up with people saying of it'll get better becasue for 25 years it hasn't, despite trying everything. I'm fed up with people telling me to be positive, its very very hard when all the major things that happen in your life are negative and you feel put down all the time. Putting the mask on is becoming harder and harder, in fact facing the world at all is becoming harder and harder. Its all out of my hands and thats the scary thing, I have no control, my heads a mess but I pretend its all ok, it isn't.

Sunday began waaayy too early tho the lovely Lou didn't wake me at 5.30am as we'd arranged! We eventually got up about 7.30ish and queued for a shower. Quite impressed with the festival showers tho there were only 10!!  Loads more needed!!

Got brekkie then staked out our place in front of the main stage in preparation for Seth!! This of course was around noon and Seth was on at 8pm but hey! thats what we do!! xx

Started off with the growing on me 6 Day Riot - up tempo and boppy!

Followed by Martha Tilston who I personally found rather dull I'm afraid.









Up next Irish band Kila.

 An absolute revelation, 8 (I think!) incredibly talented lively musicians playing traditional instruments with gusto! Fab fab music! They did bring the rain tho, and thunder, and lightning and hail!!  We got absolutely soaked. poor Lou was literally ringing her clothes out, but we weren't not abandoning our prime Seth spots.




Whilst drying out, Ade Edmondson and the Bad Shepherds played. Having seen them before, I got a bit bored. Very clever but a one gig joke really for me. However I was ramping up the Sethcitement by now!

The (Beautiful) South were an absolute revelation to me! Soooo good live, would def see them again and will never quite get over 'anorexic chicks' being sung directly to us, or the triangle being played with a teaspoon, as teaspoons have a special meaning to Kath and I!! xx We were dancing and singing like mad and being very daft all without the influence of alcohol - we did nt touch a drop but natural exuberance kind of took over!


And so, the moment had arrived, well sort of arrived. We had 40 minutes of watching the marvellous Team Lakeman preparing first of all - all part of the entertainment - you know who you are you two!! 

Seth time!!!  Have no words, fantastic, managed amazing photos, LOVED the Mire ded and can't quite believe so few of us made so much noise!! Loved Seths reaction, well, love Seth really. Apparently he was convinced we were drunk and we soooo weren't!  And here is a little pic of the most gorgeous man on the planet!!

Ok, well, a rather personally emotional time at Wychwood. Something happened which I didn't understand and actually still don't. Goes to show that you never really know people I suppose, I've learnt things about two people this week - one of whom I've known for 30 years and one whom I've only known for about 18months - that confused me completely and I was made to suffer on both counts for things that were never my fault. The 30 year relationship is on the way to repair, the other, I don't know if I can do it anymore, watching every move I make and word I say for fear of  unintended offence. I've not had a friendship like this since I was at school, its childish and I don't think I can maintain a true friendship under those conditions - we shall see.

Anyway, on to happier things - some fantastic music was experienced, great bands, and friends who were amazingly supportive.

On Saturday, we saw the amazing Outcast Band! Fantastic - here's a little pic.

Right, this is my little space on the net where I show some of my craft and rave about Seth! However, I also whinge about things I don;t like to necessarily go on about anywhere else, so if you don't want to read it, don't!

I have had a bit of a blip in my life recently (again, my life seems to be composed of blips). Hubby has worked for Charterhouse for 18 years, and we have lived in a School house for 15 years. The School (as if its an actual entity!!) has decided that it wants a teacher, sorry master!, to live in our house instead and is kicking us out! Fab! Well, they have very 'generously' given us about a year,but I think that is just a year of worry and uncertainty so we have decided to go sooner rather than later. This will also give Martyn the option of looking for another job and leaving The School which he couldn't do before because of the house. I have had 3 weeks of anger, tears, rage, worry, fright, wakefulness, tiredness and stress! I am now going to TRY to look at it as a new start and a positive step for us all. I'm enjoying my job at college tho the travelling does get to me, and I'm going to knuckle down and get on with my photography and card designing.

This is also a chance for hubby nad I (and daughter!!) to declutter our lives, emotionally and physically! So a big big clearout is on its way, closely followed  I think, by a huge carboot sale which I HATE doing but needs must! Got loads and loads of craft stuff that I'm going to sell if anyones interested, moving to a much smaller house means a lot has to go!

Well, I think thats me up to date for now, well, at least as much as I'm going to tell!!

Yaaaaayy!!  Look, some crafting at last!!

Aaaahhh, no crafting I'm afraid, but fab fab weekend in Devon/Cornwall with amazing friends and a Seth gig in Plymouth, Seths hometown, on Saturday!! Few pics here, if you should want to peruse any more, check out my flickr photostream here - http://www.flickr.com/photos/fenpeper/collections/.

Well, busy week dashing about the country to see Mr Lakeman! Unexpected bonus gig on Tuesday in Stroud, and then Southampton on Wednesday (The Brook - such a fab venue, tho stage is high and you get a crick in your neck!).  And hopefully off to Plymouth tomorrow but my daughter is ill so we shall see. Was supposed to go today but I won't leave her cos she looks terrible, bless! They need their mum even at 15! xx

Anyway, a few pics of the delightful Seth (no crafting this week - I wonder why?!!!)


http://www.flickr.com/photos/fenpeper/sets/72157623861822232/ - Seth in Stroud

http://www.flickr.com/photos/fenpeper/sets/72157623862775824/ - Seth at The Brook

This is the lovely Dan Donnelly!!

Hmmmm, seems like Saturday has become my blogging day! Well, I HAVE been able to do a little bit of crafting this week and so will pop the pics up. A couple of the photos are not very sharp, but it gives you the general idea of what I've been up to.
On Easter holidays now, and still with only 7 hours of work a week, so really hoping that builds up or I shall be on the job hunt again.
Anyway, other than that not much has happened this week, my 15 year old has a proper proper crush, bless her, so have had giggling girls in house all week! Reminds me of when I was 15! That was a while ago!

Well, haven't done much crafting this week as I started my new job. Its not many hours but its enough for me at th moment tho sadly not money wise, so we are stil struggling and I'm not able to do many of the things that make me happy. Not that they cost much money, but its things like meeting friends, or having coffee. I don't have spare cash  for travel fares or coffee out and people are not always able to come to me. But I'm sure things will pick up soon and I have loads of love and support from my close friends ('Us Lot'! - you know who you are!). And I'm still through late Christmas presents and early birthday ones, able to get to see Seth! xx My therapist says that is very important to me, so I have to keep doing it - doctors orders! xx

Really annoyed because my mobile phone has decided to play up and not send anyone texts! xx  Hoping to upgrade to a new phone without it costing any pennies, as I think I'm due an upgrade.

Anyway, lets hope next week brings us some sunshine - sick of the grey skies! xx

Ahhhhh, went to see Cara Dillon at The East Wintergardens last night (special guest Seth Lakeman!!!)) and it was a fab night. Fab venue, fab music, fab friends, fab time. Photos were not stopped, yay, so have a couple to show you!

Another couple of my arty efforts from today. Sorry the birds keep making an appearance, they are the only ones I have at the moment.

What do you think people? x It needs a bit of work but on the whole not too bad.

My new guitar!! xx

Just thought it was time for a new post. Still on a bit of a Lakeman high from Southsea and got over my 'emotional weekend' when I wasn't at the gigs!

Really looking forward to St Patricks Day when I'm seeing Cara Dillon and Seth perform together at the East Wintergardens in Canary Wharf. And possibly a night away as well, ahh, bliss! I get to be me for a day. xx I know photography is not really allowed but am hoping to sneak a couple of Cara and Seth together, will have to see what I can get away with. x

Have been practicing on ink blending techniques but not quite ready to post for scrutiny on here yet, so give me a couple of days and I'll post some pics.

Loved the QVC TSV, tho didn;t buy it. As a pressie for not being able to go to Make It, hubby bought me the Autumn Garden Toppers kit, so am looking forward to having a real play with this when it comes. I've got the Autumn Kanban syamps as well, so looking forward to having some fun!

Should add to my passions at the top of the page, Brenda, our gorgeous little camper van! We are starting to try and get her shipshape for the summer festie season, possibly even May. Here she is in the snow, bless her!

Aaaahhhhh!!  More Lakeman gigging last night!  Boys were on fine form! Much quieter first half, but cranked up in the second half! Up jigging and stomping, and clapping and singing! xx Much laughter at us from the man himself, cheek!! xx No piccies allowed, boo! xx So I took some outside the stage door.......oh, and happened to bag a couple for myself! xx

Well, no more Seth til St Patricks Day, we think!! xx

Ooh, Setlist, (sethlist!!) for Southsea - 

Hurlers

Hearts and Minds

Fight for Favour

Preachers Ghost

Solomon Browne

Spinning Days

Circle Grows

Take No Rogues

Setting of the Sun

Changes

Stepping Over You

How Much

Riflemen of War

See Them Dance - Mire dedication

Ye Mariners All 

Poor Mans Heaven

Kitty Jay

Send Yourself Away

Blood Upon Copper

Race to be King 

Ah, another day over and barely any crafting done! Also no news about this flaming job, I really need to start earning some money! xx  But good news is, another Seth gig tomorrow!! Woop woop! And to show how much I DO love him, here is a pic of me and Seth! Awwwwwww!

Ahhhhhh! First Seth Lakeman gig in 2 and a half months last night. And I took my daughter to see him live for the first time! Excellent gig, tho really don't much like theatre gigs cos waaaaay too many people sit down and don't move!!  How can you do that when Seth and his band are playing!!  I have no clue. Anyway, we jigged in our seats and then a few songs into the second half, were on our feet much to the bands glee! There truly is NOTHING like a Lakeman gig! My daughter also managed to get a pic with the lovely man himself.